Just let it out, right?

I hesitate to write things sometimes because I hate sounding like a whiner. I absolutely know that there are a million things worse to go through in this life than what we are going through, I don't want anyone to think I am making a mountain out of my bump in the road. But this is my blog and my journal really since I am not the best journal-er so here is where I am writing this. You just got to vent a little sometimes, right?

It has been hard for me to loose this baby. After Gus, I wanted another one so badly and Matt wasn't sure. Then he had a very spiritual experience that we should have another one (a girl he was sure!?) I felt like I had won the lottery I was so excited. I don't know what it is, I am addicted to that feeling! Not so much the pregnancy part, but bringing new life into the world, adding another spirit to your family, watching as your children reunite with this precious little soul and these bonds of love reconnect...it is magical to me, bliss! I just think it is the greatest thing in the world and the whole reason we are even here...FAMILY! All these different relationships we have going on in our family, it is just wonderful! I am certainly not saying that everyone in the world should have a big family, but for me it is the best!

There have been a couple of things that have started to get me down. I have been asked more than once "why do you name your miscarriages" that just tears right to my heart. At first it makes me feel like I am crazy and maybe I am making too much of things and how far along I was. But then something that my Aunt gave me when we lost Emma when I was almost 7 months along really reassures me. Brigham Young said "when the mother feels life come to her infant it is the spirit entering the body" That gives me great comfort because I felt both of our babies that we lost move around. I love when you get to hear the heartbeat. I love feeling a baby move within me, I don't know, things just change then and that baby becomes so real to me and I am bonded forever and ever and ever. Even carrying Vince for a little less than 5 months, I just feel a connection.

I don't think I am totally crazy because other mothers I have met who have lost babies as far along as me feel the same way. Plus I got to hold those little ones. Each with perfectly formed little bodies. I still can see them, their little faces and hands so delicate. Anyway, I only know what I think and to me, these are babies I will reunite with after this life is over.

Somedays I just can't believe that we really aren't going to have a baby this summer, sometimes I just hold my belly and cry. Ah! I just wish we were. I feel so blessed that Matt loves me so. Almost loosing me in this life was enough to devastate him and I know he can't forget that feeling. He watched as my life almost slipped away and I know it makes sense for him to not want to go there again, to not have any more children. I just can't help that I still do. Desperately, after all this. It might not even be possible, Doc isn't sure yet and we are still doing tests. At the very least, we would be facing the same complications during delivery almost certainly. But I believe in miracles and the Lord's will above all. I know to Matt that is just a little too scary, what can I say...he kind of likes me :)

Ahhh....life is so wonderful. Thank heavens for things that bring us to our knees, literally, and offer us opportunity to become closer to the Savior. I have and I've learned so much. I am so very thankful for this experience. I feel so loved by my Father in Heaven, I am grateful. My life is wonderful, not just a little, SO wonderful. I love my children and my hubby more than I can express. I know I am right where I am supposed to be, home with these monkeys teaching me lessons every day. They make me blissfully happy. Lets be honest, they drive me crazy a little too, but hey, I kind of like crazy :)

The Gospel is true and families are forever, that is about all I know!