My Little Vince

Well, this week was definitely not what I expected or anything I had planned on. Last weekend was kind of frustrating, the kind where every little thing seems to go wrong. Then it takes something big to make you realize just how insignificant the little things are. Monday I had my regular appointment with my OB for the baby. We had already heard the heartbeat twice, but my girls get SO excited every time. I took Bailey and Taite with me, Ellery was sick and missed out. As we sat waiting for the Dr. I just kept having an impression that we weren't going to hear the baby's heartbeat. I kept brushing this preparatory thought away and rationalized that we had already heard the heartbeat and the chances of loosing a baby after you've heard it just drop so dramatically, that I just knew this couldn't be happening.

After loosing Emma, our first daughter at 28 weeks, I still have never been worried with all our other pregnancies. I guess I always thought that we had as high a chance as anyone for having an early miscarriage since they unfortunately happen often. I dreaded that would ever happen, but with every pregnancy, as soon as we hear the heartbeat I just completely relax and figure that we are in the clear~ surely something like Emma will never happen again. I have always been so grateful for the reassurance and lack of anxiety that I have always experienced with each pregnancy.

As the doctor came in I calmed down. She is the most amazing doctor I have ever met. She is so loving and kind and also knowledgeable....I just LOVE her. She is especially great with kids and asked the girls if they would like to find the baby's heartbeat! To which of course they went crazy with excitement. They were moving the doppler all around my belly and they weren't getting anything. I just kept saying that it was because they weren't pushing hard enough, but really my heart was just sinking. Dr. Rutherford took over and she wasn't able to hear anything either. She thought it was just the placement of my placenta, she had me feeling a little better as we went to have an ultra sound. We just could not be loosing another baby this far into a pregnancy! I had felt him moving and heard his heartbeat...I feel like I know this little person already. I can feel him alive! Man, this hurts!

The girls and I were alone together and Bailey looked at me and said "Momma, is this just like Emma? I don't want it to be like her."

I was trying to keep it together. As soon as the ultra sound came up, it was obvious to me after having so many...this wasn't a good one. Dr. Rutherford asked the girls if they wanted to go get a sucker, to which Taite excitedly jumped up and headed for the door. Bailey jumped up and headed to my side. Again, she asked me if this was just like Emma and she didn't want to leave me. We convinced her and when the door closed, my heart broke. I just couldn't believe we were loosing another baby so far along. Dr. Rutherford was great and very comforting, but it was all a blur. I just didn't want the girls to know something was wrong until I could tell Matt.

I got home and it was, well it was all just sad. Telling Matt was awful, he was so broken hearted and when we told the girls they were just crushed. It was such a sad night and we found comfort as a family in each other's arms and through lots of prayer.

We had some decisions to make. We really had 2 options: induce labor or surgery. Dr. told me that surgery was not a good option this far along. A DNC at this many weeks can really do a lot of damage to your uterus or cervix. She strongly suggested induction and as much as I was dreading another early induction experience, we decided it was best.

(You might want to skip all this if you don't like all the female anatomy discussion.)

I knew it could be very difficult to get me started, but we never expected all that happened. I just wanted to see my baby so badly, get some closure. I just wanted to see that little boy! I went into the hospital and Matt joined me shortly after. It was very uncomfortable, but not at all what I expected, like with Emma, so I was feeling very calm and comforted. After about 8 hours of contractions I started to bleed. I took this a good sign. We had some branch members visiting my room giving comfort and I felt a very sharp pain in my stomach with a lot of blood. They hurried out because I was sure that the baby was on his way. The nurses came and were wonderful. They weren't worried about all the blood because they figured it was amniotic fluid as well. Then another huge pain and even more blood. The nurse was still not worried but went to call the Dr. immediately. She came back in and after a few more of these big pains and gushes, I thought the baby was coming out. It turned out to be the placenta coming out first.

This is where things changed very quickly. I started to feel strangely and began throwing up. I got very sweaty and hot and the room started spinning. They laid me back a little and gave me some oxygen. The nurse was asking me some questions and I just couldn't answer. She came and looked at my face and said to the other nurse that my lips were pure white. I passed out. I don't know what happened for a few minutes, but when I came to there were about 12 people in the room and one Dr. hollering out orders. Everyone was running around and Matt was no longer by my side stroking my hair, he was against the wall. I tried to look at him, but I couldn't see anything. The Dr. was shoving his fist into my leg and yelling that he barely had a femoral pulse. My blood pressure dropped to almost nothing and he was yelling for blood blood BLOOD! He yelled for the "crash cart" and said things like "we're going to need resuscitation here!" I remember thinking to myself as the Doctor yelled for a central line that I wished I hadn't watched the show ER so many times so I wouldn't know what that was.

I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and that I couldn't say anything. I lay there thinking "this isn't it, is it?" This can't be it, I have to make sure my kids get another hug and know just how I think they are the most special little people to ever live. And I have never been shy about my feelings of adoration for Matt, but that is because I am still looking for the words that are even adequate. I am not done searching for those words that get it just right, I need more time to make sure he really knows how I love him and how he makes me feel!

As soon as they got the first unit of blood in, I started to improve, but my blood pressure was still so low and the bleeding continued. My Dr. came rushing in and tried to figure out what was going on. The placenta had come all apart in my uterus and now after all the induction was over, I had to have surgery anyway to stop the hemorrhaging. She was upfront that the damage might be too great to my uterus and I might have to have a hysterectomy. She would try to repair the damages and save it as best she could.

Matt got to come back over to me and I don't know that I have the right words to describe his face. I felt so bad that he had to go through that, just watching helplessly. As they prepared me for surgery I was so nervous. Afraid really. I just kept thinking about the blessing Matt had given me that morning and started to calm down. I wanted more than anything to not loose my ability to have children, but I was sure that the Lord was in control and all would be well...regardless of the outcome.

They wheeled me away. I was so grateful to wake up and find out that they had saved my uterus. I had another blood transfusion during surgery and they weren't able to stop the bleeding completely without ruining my uterus. I went to the ICU and that night my blood pressure continued to keep dropping. The Dr. told me if they weren't able to get it under control quickly they would have to go back in and remove the uterus after all. They discovered a platelet problem and began giving me several units of plasma. I started to improve a lot after this.

To come to the end here. I am much better and after a couple of days I am finally home resting. I have to see a hematologist to figure out the low platelet problem, but other than that I feel like I was spared tremendously. No hysterectomy is a direct blessing from the Lord. I know that I was blessed and watched over. I don't know yet if we will be able to have any more children, but I sure am thankful for the ones we have and to still be here to raise them with my loving eternal companion.

It has just been such an intense week. I still just can't believe that our little Vince will not get to be a part of our family here on earth. I just had such clear images of that little guy and how he would fit into our family. But what a great thing to think that we have another little valiant Spirit waiting for us in Heaven. It is amazing that the Lord finds a way through our grief and sorrow to make us feel more loved than ever. Our family is strengthened by this and the love we have felt is just unbelievable. This has been a very wonderful and uplifting week, even though it has been sad. Thanks to all of you have shown us so much love! We love all of you so much and may I just say...this life is SO good and we are SO very blessed!

We love you Vince Thomas Johnson

March 2, 2010