Sweet Emma

Today is a special day in our family. It was 9 years ago, Jan. 22nd 2001 that our little Emma was born stillborn. I love this picture.

I think I told a little about her experience once before, mostly about all that happened leading up to her birth. I like writing these thoughts about her down for family history purposes, every time I think about her I am just surprised by how much every detail is ingrained in my heart and mind. I didn't have a blog then, so I'm writin' it down now people. I will never forget that day, or the 2 months leading up to it.

We found out at our 20 week ultra sound that our baby girl had major problems. After an amniocentesis and other tests we were told she had Turner's Syndrome. It is a chromosomal disorder where the baby girl, always girl, only receives one X chromosome and nothing from the other parent, the absence of a Y of course is why the baby is always a girl. There are many many complications and problems with this disorder, but for Emma, it was the build up of amniotic fluid that put tremendous pressure on her heart completely suppressing growth on the left side. If she had made it long enough they were going to deliver and perform immediate open heart surgery or a heart transplant to save her life. It became very clear though that she would fall short of making it long enough.

Emma was born at 29 weeks gestation, about 6 1/2 months. She was perfect looking in every way, just teeny tiny at 3 lbs. 2 oz. I remember she looked an awful lot like Ellery later would, the shape of her face was just the same. She had reddish hair and sweet little lips. She looked at peace and very tired. I was so very thankful after such a trauma filled pregnancy and most difficult labor to be able to hold her and be with her for several hours before we had to say good bye.

It was a Sunday when they induced labor. Every 2 hours throughout the day I had Prostin to begin contractions. It worked okay, but there was no dilation at all. I knew that inducing labor so early was going to be difficult, but I had no idea. That night things picked up with contractions making for a very restless night, still no dilating. At 5 am Monday morning they were going to do another amnio only injecting hemabate instead which would hopefully help me progress. I was contracting way too much and they didn't want to puncture the uterus for fear of a rupture with the contractions. This is when they began several different things all at once including the pitocin. Things went from zero to sixty. My contractions became more intense than I can describe and right on top of each other. It got really bad.

I truly do not remember much of the next 14 hours because I was so engrossed in the pain and I had already been in labor so long. I wanted to go natural so badly because in my mind, even though I was dealing well with loosing her, this was all I had...I wanted to feel everything I could with her. Sounds silly, I know. I had nothing to compare this labor to then, but looking back after delivering 5 more babies without medication either I can't believe I even made it to the end with her. It was like the intensity of end stage labor the entire time. The nurses were concerned and kept telling me to watch the monitor. They kept pointing out that there was absolutely no break in between each contraction...not even 5 seconds let alone a minute or two.

My Mom was with me the whole time thank heavens and my best friend Stephanie came to visit at one point. It was very comforting to have them there. I didn't even imagine that it was going to be so bad or I never would have insisted that Matt go to work that day. I just knew it was going to take a long time and thought he could just come after work and not really miss much...boy was I wrong. I wish I had him there the whole time, he is so comforting to me, that amazing man. When he walked in it looked like he had seen a ghost, I looked pretty bad.

I was able to hang in there and thank heavens with a baby so small, delivery was simple at 8pm. Then my body was at peace, immediately. My heart amazingly too. I can't say that I didn't for one brief moment plead "cry, breathe...please." Hoping that this was all just a bad dream. Not meant to be, but seeing her and holding this little angel was so precious to me, words can't describe. She was so soft, so perfect. Little hands and toes, cute little button nose and long eyelashes. I thought then, and often still do, what kind of person she must be to only need to come and receive a body. What kind of character and spirit she must have been in Heaven to get to go home so early. That brings me such joy. I am just glad that I get to be her Mom. I only hope she knows how much we love her even though we didn't get to have her on this earth. I hope she remembers or knows all those times I lay there feeling this new life rolling around within me. Precious. I had such dreams and hopes for a life with her like all mothers do...someday I will have my Emma.

Motherhood is the most amazing experience on earth, how thankful I am for each time...but especially with her.